Flowers for my father

My father was born on this date (March 10) and transitioned in 2016. It’s taken me four years to delete his number from my phone. Whenever I’d scroll through my contacts and see his number, I’d hesitate. It made sense to keep it, although, I can’t quite explain articulately what I mean by sense, that kind of sense. What does not make sense though is the fact that I know his number by heart, always have, so deleting or not isn’t the point, yet, I could not do it earlier than today. I was not ready.

This morning I woke up and discovered myself in a state of quiet joy and surrender. When my feet touched the ground, I felt firm and light, all at once. I felt spacious inside, happy, and aware of the presence of my father with me. I remembered the night’s dream with astounding clarity; my father back home on the farm, in the fullness of his health and wellbeing, smiling, holding a large cabbage for me to include in the meal of the day. We talked, mostly about food–the next harvest of carrots, spinach, and corn. His favorite cow passed by looking very pregnant and we laughed, then the scene seamlessly shifted to my house in Asheville where I am writing from. We had lunch followed by a nap. Before the nap, I used the bathroom. Oh, sweet excretion! I experienced the most profound and delicious feeling of relief. When I awoke, I relished the dream and the lucky life of growing up with an affectionate, loving man. He left a thought on my mind: I’ll always have my father. Assuring and relieving, which does explain the process to getting ready to deleting his number. I’ll always have my father, not in my phone or other tangible form but in a place where he’s always belonged, to begin with.

Prior to this, I’ve had other dreams reaffirming and proving his permanence to me in ways that have left no shadow of doubt. But they did not make me ready for erasure. Maybe they had different intentions, and so, each dream, in it’s logical and seemingly illogical ways, serves a particular purpose.

Today, I am thankful for the dream, I am thankful for the man, I am thankful for all the mysterious and ordinary methods that the all-knowing loving kindness continues to fashion just to prepare and assure me that all is well, will be well, because what we have is life eternal.