It isn’t only the economic crunch. I’ve been less productive concerning my blog, yet so lost in activity, the kind of activity that doesn’t produce much. When I try to update my blog, I turn on my computer and end up only changing the screen background. I can spend three straight hours admiring screen savers, checking out appearances and themes, changing the screen resolution that does not need to be changed. While doing all this I am telling myself, write, write, and write.
Loving nature to a fault, I’ve looked at rivers, mountains, seas, and people too, only to confront reality—that it’s not the screen properties I seek but the stories. I’ve traveled a bit and found the stories, better put the other way, the stories have found me but I haven’t put them into the right words. They have remained stories in my experiences, scribbled notes in my journal. Now I can excuse myself and say what has happened globally has camped in my mind. I am not going bankrupt mind-wise, but I’ve been on edge. It’s not a writers’ block exactly because I do have the stories. I am just failing to transfer them from my head to the computer to my site. It’s not the dryness-desert-kind of state but rather a kind of crunch that speaks to a deeper current situation, anxiety, panic, fear, expectation, frustration, all leaving me tired. I am turning my attention away from myself to find inspiration in other people’s works. I am reading a lot and spending much time looking out of a window. I’ve seen birds making love, others building nests and I’m back to the computer with images but no words. The crunch is in my story account, no doubt, my mind. Words have lost their luster and abandoned me to the screen properties. Like in economics, there will be days of inflation, days of account balance, and days of not having enough.
I’m allowing myself time to hibernate a little like a scarab beetle. When I return, my blog, my appearance, my focus, will all be new. My stocks will be high. My story account will be full—words returning to a waiting mind. Until then.